The farmer said the words today.
“County Fair.”
I froze.
Not emotionally.
Physically.
Complete stillness.
Like a decorative lawn statue with horns.
The air shifted.
A crow screamed somewhere in the distance.
Even the goat stopped chewing for a full three seconds, which, for him, is the equivalent of a national emergency.
Because let me make something abundantly clear:
This is not a casual event.
This is not “a fun little outing.”
This is not “community engagement.”
This is…
Exposure.
Public exposure.
The kind where strangers stare directly at your face under aggressive natural lighting while holding fried dough and opinions.
Do you understand the pressure of that?
The county fair is where livestock reputations are made and destroyed.
One awkward photo angle and suddenly you become: “that confused-looking cow near the lemonade stand.”
I have worked FAR too hard rebuilding my image after winter.
The Snow Incident nearly ended me socially.
My dossan was frozen solid.
Children thought I was a yak.
A YAK.
And now the universe expects me to walk willingly into humidity, dust, screaming toddlers, and uncontrolled barn lighting?
Unacceptable.
The farmer continued speaking as if he hadn’t just altered the trajectory of my entire week.
“There’ll be visitors…”
Visitors.
Meaning:
- people pointing
- flash photography
- loud comments about my bangs
- and at least one woman saying: “He looks like he has better hair than my husband.”
Which is true.
But still inappropriate to announce publicly.
The goat wandered over with the confidence of someone who contributes nothing to society.
“Oooooh,” he said. “Someone’s going to the fair.”
I stared at him silently.
He smirked.
“You gonna let people touch your hair again?”
Absolutely not.
Last year a toddler approached me with sticky fingers and reckless confidence.
I still think about it.
Official Statement:
“I do not attend events.
I define them.”
Silence filled the pasture.
The sheep looked inspired.
The horse nodded respectfully.
The goat rolled his eyes so hard I thought he might see another dimension.
But I meant every word.
Because this is bigger than a county fair.
This is presentation.
Legacy.
Atmosphere.
The public does not simply “see” a Highland cow.
They experience one.
And if society is going to witness me again…
they will do so correctly.
Tomorrow I begin preparations.
Conditioning treatments.
Hydration.
Strategic posing.
Possibly a fan pointed directly at my face during peak humidity hours.
No shortcuts.
No compromises.
No frizz.
Official Statements:
I do not attend events. I define them
Respect. The. Hair.
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